It’s been a while. An update?

Well its been about 5 months or less since I’ve posted on here. Let’s do a little update.

The story so far…
Well I moved 400 miles away from my home town. But, I’m not gonna lie… while it may be the smartest thing I’ve done in the past year. It is also the loneliest thing, too. I miss the little bit of friends I had. I miss the my ex-whore(literally)  GF. I miss being able to talk to people, no one keeps in contact. But, I guess I understand, busy??? Lives and such.

But, down here isn’t much better. I have another shitty dead end job. I honestly feel like I broke in two when I left. I left my heart back there and my body is here. But, what can I do… I can never go back.

On the topic of going back. Let’s discuss why I can’t. Besides the fact that my parents will being moving down here shortly. The real reason is her. I left because of the cycle that had to break. She will always be someone I love and hate. Love more so. I can’t stand going back to her and the defeat in it. She would never truly belong to me. She is too much of a whore and drug addict. Now that says a lot about me though. Like why I love her and and kept putting up with it. But, all I could say is I wasn’t much better. But, I never did anything to hurt her or cheat on her, like she to me. But, it’s over now. For good.

image

On to the positives.
I lost 60 lbs!!!!
Amazingly I’ve kept to a diet and work out/walking routine. I feel a little more confident. But, I still have a little to go. I started at 249ish, now as of today I’m at 189. It’s quite relieving.
Another positive???
Hmmm….
Well other than that I don’t really have any. My birthday is less than a week away. I’ll be 26 on May 5th. T.T

But, that’s a little update. I’ll try to keep to it more. I want to reach out to people to talk and make friends. So please feel free too.

Btw, I moved to Titusville, FL from Crestview, FL on February 1st.
It was in fact the scariest thing I’ve ever done. I cried for about 2 or 3 hours of the 6 hour drive. Which made the driving harder.
But that’s all for now.

The lyrics that have been stuck in my head all day.
The Get Up Kids – My apology
“You’ll be accepting my apology for taking things too seriously.
Sometimes I’m old enough to to keep routines, 
sometimes I’m child enough to scream 
for everything I broke in two,
You’re barely missing me, I’m missing you and everything you do,
I really do, I really do, sure I do.

My once photographic memory for recollection’s sake is failing me.
I can’t remember for the life of me.

Sometimes I can think to recite words that I read and rewrite,
my pens paint people that I’ve proven wrong,
Sometimes I can think to recite words that I read and rewrite,
my pens paint people that I’ve proven wrong,
But we move on

Get a job where I can tell all of my accounts of someone else
I’m quick enough to judge that they were wrong and that we knew it all along
sing a long, long-winded song I would be content to hum along.”

I finally see *Random scribbles*

Now that I finally see the person you are. The one that everyone has tried to tell me. The one that who couldn’t care less about the people you hurt. That one you had a mask over for the last 9 months. I’m glad we are through. I hate you. I don’t want anything to do with you. I just wish one thing… That you could feel what you have done to me. The pain you have caused to me. If one thing would happened I would want this. I’ll never trust another. You have ruin that in me. I guess I should thank you. Because you broke me. Thank you. I hope you have everything you ever wanted and then it gets stolen from you right in front of your eyes. You greedy, shady, lying, whore, bitch.
I’ve honestly never been so mad and sad in my life. Now I know. I will never go back to you again.

Yippie!

I finally got a job. I really needed this! I’ve been jobless for 2 weeks now. I’ll start my new job after Christmas. Things might start looking up. I can’t tell you how excited I am. 🙂

I ended it with a note. :-(

Disclaimer: I’m not proud of this. It is just what happened.

So, as of my last blog update, I mentioned I was talking/hanging out with the EX again. Well, after spending every moment of the last few days with her, I made a decision. I left, and not because I wanted to. I do truly love her. But, I started to see all the negatives. They all came fast. I tried to ignore them. I really did. I still wanna be with her. But, all we did these last few days was completely bad. We did lots of coke and xanax. I do not need to be doing that. Especially since I need to be finding another job. I’m at a very bad/low point my life. I’m so confused with everything that is going on. Lost. I need to focus on building up, not slipping further down. But, honestly I would have looked past all that. I really would, the drug addict in me loves it. Then today happened…

I woke up next to her in her bed. It was 8ish. I saw that she was still sleeping. So, I left. I went on the hunt for a new job.  AGAIN. After hours of no prospects and slipping deeply into depression, I went back to her house. She wanted me to take her to go get some weed. Personally I don’t smoke the stuff, but I’m not against it any way. So, I said I would. As she is taking her usual 2 hours to get ready to do anything. (I might have embellished a little there, but she takes forever!) She started acting shady. She was being very weird with her phone, hiding it from my view. I knew instantly that something was up. These are the same patterns she was presenting last time. The same exact ones. So, I got nosy. After we left to go get her substance and got back with no luck in obtaining said substance. We were chilling in her room. she was hanging curtains and cleaning. While doing so she put her phone down and was letting music play from it. I asked it I could browse through the selection to find something I like. She replied with yes. So, I did what every person would do in this shady situation. I looked through her messages.

She was sending pictures of her cleavage to other men, and being flirtatious with others as well. I can’t tell you how much this hurt. I mean yes, she still has her boyfriend. Who she claimed she was going to break up with for me. But, even so, this is ridiculous. We had talked about this not even a full 24 hours ago. We had very deep conversation about how if this was the way things were going to be, I was gonna be done. She claimed that she wouldn’t be like that anymore and that once she broke up with her boyfriend it would just be me. But, even after this talk I still felt that she was not being honest. As they say, once a cheater always a cheater.

So, I tried to talk to her about it. I tried to be calm and honest. I admitted I had gone through her phone, because after all I did feel guilty. She said that was fine. Then I brought up the flirting and the pictures. She defended herself saying that the guy was married and his wife said it was fine. Also saying, that he would never actually see her breast or anything else. Then I asked if she was serious about us. This is at the point where she lost it and started yelling at me and saying I’m pressuring her to break up with her boyfriend and that it’s fucking with her head, among many other mean things. I didn’t reply to this. I just apologized and said I’ll let you do it when your ready.

At this point I was feeling lower. I can’t take all this indecision and lies. We sat there for awhile. I guess trying to let things blow over. She had began writing her god brother who is in jail. So, on one of the many pieces of paper lying around I picked up a pen and wrote what I was thinking. I then waited for her to walk away and I put the note on top of her letter she was writing. Then, I walked over to her hugged her and said I had to leave and I love you. And that is how this long story ends. I feel very heartbroken and depressed now. But, I do know it’s for the better. I don’t need to spiral down the drug path again, and I definitely don’t need to feel trapped in a “relationship” that is and probably will never go anywhere. She was once again using me and bringing me down.

I just feel even more lost and broken now. My life is really in a ruin and it doesn’t seem to be building back up. I know that I caused every one of these problems in my life. I have really fucked up and there isn’t anywhere to go but down. I just want to sleep forever or just simply die.

I beg you guys, please don’t ever do drugs or lose your cool when things get too rough. You will end up here. Nothing good comes from this. Nothing.

Another Bright Eye’s song is how I am feeling.

Nothing Gets Crossed Out – Bright Eyes

“The future has got me worried, such awful thoughts.
My head is a carousel of pictures.
The spinning never stops.
I just want someone to walk in front
and I’ll follow the leader.
Like when I fell under the weight of a schoolboy crush.
Started carrying her books and doing lots of drugs. I almost forgot who I was,
but came to my senses.
Now I’m tryin’ to be assertive.
I’m making plans.
Wanna rise to the occasion, yeah
meet all of their demands.
But all I do is just lay in bed
and hide under the covers.
I know I should be brave
but I’m just too afraid of all this change.
And it’s too hard to focus through all this doubt.
I keep making these “To Do” lists but nothing gets crossed out.
Working on the record seems pointless now.
When the world ends, who’s gonna hear it?
But Im tryin’ and take some comfort in written words,
yeah Tim I heard your album and it’s better than good.
When you get off tour I think we should hang and black out together.
Because I’ve been feeling sentimental for days gone by…
all those summers singing, drinking, laughing, wasting out time.
Remember all those songs and the way we smiled
in those basements made of music.
But now I’ve got to crawl, to get anywhere at all. I’m not as strong as I thought.
So when I’m lost in a crowd,
I hope that you’ll pick me out.
Oh, how I long to be found.
The grass grew high. I laid down.
Now I wait for a hand to lift me up, help me stand.
I have been laying so low
Don’t want to lay here no more.
Don’t want to lay here no more.
Don’t want to lay here no more.
Don’t want to lay here no more.
But if everything that happens is supposed to be
and it is predetermined, can’t change your destiny.
Then I guess I’ll just keep moving, someday, maybe, I’ll get to where I’m going.”

The Ex or Whatever we were.

I hung out with the Ex, or whatever we were, last night. We had such a wonderful time. We went and saw the Christmas lights in a town close to ours, It was beautiful. I had a very nice time. Afterwards, we went back to my house and watched a movie. Then, from there we went to hers and fell asleep together. I was so happy. I’ve really missed her. But, there are two sides to this coin, with all the happiness she brings me, I can’t help but know it’s a fleeting feeling. I know that she is horrible in terms of the way she treats me and uses me. Plus, there is ALWAYS someone else. I mean for god sakes she is still with her current boyfriend. But, she still did all this with me. It’s messed up on so many levels. I don’t wanna go through this pain again. It would be like the 5th time. She has done me wrong on so many levels. She has made out with another guy in front of me, went to go hang out with a friend in the middle of a rain storm to go jog and got all nicely dressed up, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I’m really at a lost of what to do. I mean I know what I should do… But, I love her too much. I don’t want to live without her. But, I know I need to. She will always mean the world to me. I’ve been in love with her for 10+ years. Am I just a glutton for punishment?

Even our song is a messed up song. It’s called Lua by Bright Eyes. It describes our relationship down to a T.

“I know that it is freezing but I think we have to walk

I keep waving at the taxis; they keep turning their lights off

But Julie knows a party at some actor’s west side loft
Supplies are endless in the evening; by the morning they’ll be gone.When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend
I get a coffee and the paper; have my own conversations
With the sidewalk and the pigeons and my window reflection
The mask I polish in the evening, by the morning looks like shit.

And I know you have a heavy heart; I can feel it when we kiss
So many men stronger than me have thrown their backs out trying to lift it
But me I’m not a gamble you can count on me to split
The love I sell you in the evening, by the morning won’t exist.

You’re looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black
You just keep going to the bathroom always say you’ll be right back
Well it takes one to know one, kid, I think you’ve got it bad
But what’s so easy in the evening, by the morning is such a drag.

I’ve got a flask inside my pocket we can share it on the train
If you promise to stay conscious I will try and do the same
We might die from medication, but we sure killed all the pain
But what was normal in the evening, by the morning seems insane.

And I’m not sure what the trouble was that started all of this
The reasons all have run away but the feeling never did
It’s not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live
Cause what is simple in the moonlight, by the morning never is
What’s so simple in the moonlight, now is so complicated
What’s so simple in the moonlight, so simple in the moonlight”

I need to sort through this some how. I need direction. How can you love and resent someone so much. </3

Adversity

I didn’t feel much like getting out of bed this morning. I laid there for 3 hours after I woke up. I didn’t move much. I just thought… This is never a good thing for me. I get lost in my thoughts. Plus, they aren’t very good thoughts either. I feel like my walls are falling down around me.

I know they say, “Oh, this a temporary situation.”

“People lose there jobs.”

“A lot of people owe money towards school.”

“You’ll find another woman, who will treat you right and not use you.”

I’ve heard it all. But, it still doesn’t feel any better or different. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. The more I hear these things, whether it comes from somebody else or from my brain, the more I feel despondent. I wish I could stop the hurricane of thoughts that flood my mind. I need to be on medication. I understand this. I have trouble leveling my self out. The medication would help. Just maybe the storm would subside then. But, not having a job or money to get said medication doesn’t help.

I remember last time I lost a job. Three years ago, I thought  moving back in with my parents was the worst thing ever. But, I still didn’t get down then. I mean, yes, I did. But, it was a fleeting feeling. I knew I would work through it then. I found another job within three days that time. Then a year later I was back in school. I was quite proud. I thought I was finally accomplishing something with my life. It was a comeback story, without a title.

Now, this time is different. I’ve made so many attempts to improve my life over the course of the last three year. Just to have it thrown in my face. I’m back at square one. I’m living with my parents at 25, No college education, No job, just nothing. The utter embarrassment I feel in this. How far have I really fallen?

The worst of it will come later tonight I’m sure. The defeat… It always comes on hard at night.

So, with all this in mind, I deleted my Facebook and stopped responding to any text or known number phone calls. I don’t really feel as if I deserve to talk to anyone. But, in reality it’s not like many people still attempt to talk to me. I get the occasional, “How are you?” texts. But, these just annoy me to no end. I’m very awkward. I realize this. I always have been. But, please don’t text me and ask me, how am I!!! Just because I’m labeled the suicidal. Yes, I’ve tried to kill myself. But, I don’t want the attention for it. I didn’t do it for attention. Please, would you kindly, fuck off.

My mind is twisting in circles. I really need to somehow clear it if I am, in anyway, gonna move forward. It’s hard to even focus long enough to write these short, few words. But, I need to figure something out. I can’t stay stuck in this rut. It’s not conducive to my well being. It’s not conducive to anything.

It’s all for the moment, I try to tell myself. Thing’s will get better. I hope…

Tony

Wallowing in Self Pity

My last month has been nothing but bad news. I ended things with the person I love the most in this world, I lost my job a week ago, then to top it off… I can’t continue my college education until I pay 2 grand to my college. I’m am at a lost of what to do. I feel dead. I actually just want to die. But, I know that isn’t the answer. I’ve been down that road. When I was 19 I tried to end my life. I’m 25 now. I really need some advice as of what to do. I’ve put in applications everywhere within a reasonable distance to me. I honestly feel like this is the end of the road for me. I’ve lost everything. Why is it that I keep circling around to death? Why can’t I be a normal person? I really hate being manic depressive. I just wanna know what to do. I can’t handle this anymore…

Sorry but not sorry you have to read my emotional breakdown.

Tony